Palpatine's Fan Club
by DarkJediJade
Summary: Utter crack fic. Not even remotely serious. Palpatine discovers he has a fan club.


_A/N: Ok this is a silly crack fic that came up bouncing ideas with DarthObsydian. Please do not take this seriously. It's really, REALLY not meant to be. XD Both canon and a couple OC's fight over the Emperor's attentions… Palpatine discovers he has a fan club. He thinks it's funny at first but.. well read and see._

Palpatine sighed as he stepped into the Throne room to find Ysanne Isard and Roganda Ismaren fighting. He'd summoned them both hoping to enjoy time with the pair, but it was clear this was not going to be the case. Well, if they couldn't get along… he may as well find out what the fight was over and egg them on a little. Watching his women fight like nexu could be amusing as well. Settling on the throne he cleared his throat and the women turned to face him.

"My Lord!"

"Master!"

They cried out, stumbling over each other, each jockeying for a place closest to him to bow. "Now tell me" he said "Why it is you two can't get along. What could possibly cause you two to bicker like a pair of vornskrs with a bone?" he asked annoyed. Isard, being the bolder of the pair and more sure of her standing answered.

"Why you my Lord. I was merely reminding this concubine of her place." she said, smirking at the other woman.

"And you Roganda? What do you have to say for yourself?" Palpatine asked. Sobbing hysterically, but flashing a quick calculating grin to Isard, Roganda threw herself at the throne.

"I am sorry I have displeased you Master! Please allow me to make it up to you!" she sobbed. Isard scowled and grabbed the girl by the ear, pulling her backwards.

"Now where are your manners concubine?" she asked sharply.

"Ow! That hurts!" Roganda whined. Ignoring the whining woman, Isard purred up against Palpatine.

"Perhaps we could go somewhere more… _relaxing_, away from this _din_." she suggested. Before Palpatine could respond, Roganda lept up and tackled Isard, sending them both careening down the dias the throne sat on. Palpatine cackled as he watched the brawl. Deciding to add to the fun, he reached out in the Force to find his Hand.

"_Mara Jade… I require your presence in the Throne room immediately… come as a dancer._" he sent her mentally. He felt a note of confusion from her, but she did not question his request.

"_Of course my Master, I will be there shortly._" she responded across their bond. That settled, Palpatine sat back and enjoyed watching the pair of women fight. A few minutes later Mara entered the room wearing a revealing green dancers costume which left little to the imagination. Her entrance broke the fight up for a moment as both Rodanda and Ysanne turned and spoke in unison.

"What is _she_ doing here?" they asked.

"Since you two have not managed to stop bickering long enough to be able to please me… I summoned Mara to take care of me while you two work out your issues." Palpatine responded, a smirk on his face. Mara had a matching smirk he noticed, understanding the game he wished played, and looking for all the world like a pitten with a bird in her mouth.

"It would be my pleasure Master" she said smoothly, striding gracefully towards him.

"Oh no you don't! He's mine." Isard snapped lunging at Mara. Unlike the other two women, Mara was intensely trained in hand to hand combat and deftly avoided the attack.

"Now Ysanne… I'm just here to please our Master… something you should be doing… but maybe you are getting too old for that." Mara said smugly "After all, he does enjoy youth." she purred as she continued casually walking towards the throne.

"What would you know about pleasure? You are barely more then a teen." Isard snapped "There is something to be said for experience."

"With men or women Ysanne?" Mara quipped "Because you always struck me as a bit… well butch." she said smirking, and Roganda giggled.

"She kinda is, isn't she?" she said. Isard was about to take a swing at Roganda who she knew she could hit at least when another woman entered the room.

"For kriffs sake- who is _she_ now?" Isard growled.

"I'm Darth Obsydian.. I came for some _private training_ if you will." she answered cooly. Mara raised an eyebrow at that.

"You aren't a Hand are you?" she asked tersely.

"No." Obsydian responded.

"Good because otherwise I would have to kill you. I'm the only Hand in the Empire." Mara said haughtily.

"And the Emperor only needs one Hand, right?" Obsydian replied with a wink. Mara grinned catching the innuendo. A sudden thought flickered across Obsydian's mind and she coughed and corrected herself "Not that I'm saying anything about size..just practicality." she said. Mara gave a snort.

"And what would you know about that?" Isard asked annoyed.

"Well, lightsaber practice… gotta get a good grip." Obsydian said winking. Roganda sat on the floor looking confused at the exchange, while Isard balled her fists in rage.

"That kriffing does it!" she snapped, swinging her fist at Obsydian. With a casual flick of her fingers Darth Obsydian sent Force lightning flying into Isard.

"Don't do that again." she said. Before Isard had a chance to recover a small explosive landed at her feet and blew up burning her uniform.

"Sup sister?" the newcomer greeted Obsydian.

"And who are you?" Mara asked. Kriff where did these women keep coming from? It was amusing at first, but now it was just baffling.

"Name's Jade. Jade La'Reik. I like blowing things up… or just blowing things… if you know what I mean." she said grinning a rather disconcerting smile. Taking in the woman's form fitting jumpsuit similar to her own, Mara spoke her pondering out loud.

"And you are here because?" she asked.

"Same reason as all you I fancy." Jade replied.

"And that is?" Mara asked.

"To enjoy some sexy time with a certain Sith lord." Jade answered in her blunt manner. Even Palpatine raised an eyebrow. He didn't recall seeing this woman before… except in history archives… hadn't she died over 1000 years ago? What the kriff was going on? It had been amusing at first, but things were getting out of hand. The next person to enter the room had Palpatine even more startled. A blue glow appeared and formed itself into the ghost of Mace Windu.

"The kriff are you doing here?" Palpatine asked alarmed.

"Oh, well, I heard it was the Palpatine fan club meeting." Mace answered.

"You tried to kill me! Why would you-" Palpatine broke off taking in Mace's words "Fanclub?" he asked, taking a sip from the glass of wine he'd poured himself to calm himself in the midst of all this strangeness.

"Yes, fan club, for all of us who are hopelessly attracted to you." Mace answered. Palpatine choked on his wine. After a violent coughing fit he regained his voice.

"But _you are a guy_! And _dead_! And you _still_ tried to kill me!" Palpatine protested.

"Oh that… well the thing of it is… I hated you because I couldn't admit my feelings." Mace responded sheepishly.

"Who cares!" Jade interrupted "Can we get on with the boinking already?" she asked. Palpatine again found himself choking on wine. Suddenly the ghost of Master Yoda appeared.

"I sense a great disturbance in the force." he said. Palpatine rolled his eyes.

"You think?" Palpatine grumbled. "All I wanted was a nice three way… and instead I get this."

"Disturbing this is…" Yoda said, his ears twitching. "Master Mace, back into the Force with me you should come. No place for a Jedi is this."

"Fine" Mace sighed "Not like I can do anything anyways. Kriffing non corporealism." he grumbled before vanished back into the Force with Yoda. Palpatine breathed a sigh of relief. As he was debating what to do with all the women in the room, Mara proposed a solution.

"Instead of fighting, why don't we all work together to please our Emperor? I mean the bed is _huge_ right?" she suggested. As the women agreed to this Palpatine grinned. Things were proceeding even better than he had foreseen… well except that strangeness with Mace, but he was sure tonight would more then make up for that


End file.
